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STEVE ELLIOTT

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Mitch Hedberg: "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too." [Delaware Online]
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Mitch Hedberg:
“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
[Delaware Online]

Stoner comedian Mitch Hedberg would have been 46 today.

Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery.

His routines featured elocutive but often short, sometimes one-line, observational comedy, mixed with absurd and paraprosdokian elements as well as non sequiturs.

Hedberg’s unique comedy and gentle on-stage persona gained him a cult following. Mitch’s surreal one-liners left gaping holes in consensual reality which may never be repaired.

Quotes From Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

Mitch Hedberg: "Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit." [Reality Catcher]
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“Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.”
[Reality Catcher]

I had a small scene in a movie with Peter Frampton. And we had to smoke pot for our scene – but it was fake pot! Do not buy pot on a movie set. But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton, that’s a cool story. It’s as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton… I’ve done that way more.

My fake plants died because I didn’t pretend to water them.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens, and I got sick of not caring.

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

[Paste]
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“Like, when you’re high, and a joke doesn’t work, it’s extra scary.”
[Paste]

Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you’re high, and a joke doesn’t work, it’s extra scary. It’s like, “Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?”

​When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light… and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.

I like vending machines ’cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it… so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

[Weird Worm]
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“I love my FedEx guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it… and he’s always on time.”
[Weird Worm]

My manager was concerned, he said “Mitch, don’t use liquor as a crutch.” I can’t use liquor as a crutch… because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain’t like a crutch, it’s like a step I didn’t see.

Is a hippopotomus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotomus?

I love my FedEx guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it… and he’s always on time.

​I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: “Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing. It’s just flat.”

[MitchHedberg.net]
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“People used to think I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use. Like an extreme longing for cake. Then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, ‘That guy eats cake. He is on bunt cake.’”
[MitchHedberg.net]

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: “Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here…oh, wait it’s at home…in the file…under “D”, for “doughnut.”

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.

I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girlfriend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to “slam the flap.” How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick? *Zipper Noise* ! Fuck you.

[My Classic Lyrics]
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“I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.”
[My Classic Lyrics]

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

​Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside, after a few days the shell started to crack. Eddie’s first comment was “Man, this guy’s a survivor!”

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say “Sweet.” And then people would say, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’d say, “Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.”

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

People used to think I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use. Like an extreme longing for cake. Then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, “That guy eats cake. He is on bunt cake.” Mothers would say to their daughters, “Don’t bring the cake eater over here anymore! He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he heard your birthday was fast approaching?”

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

​Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up…

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah.”

[Dr. Bristol's Prescription]
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“When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light… and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.”
[Dr. Bristol’s Prescription]

My friend said to me, “I think the weather’s trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.” Then I thought, “Man, I should have just said, ‘Yeah.’ ”

I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

[This Is Love]
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“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
[This Is Love]

Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know because, what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. “Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up!”

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

I like baked potatoes, man. I don’t have a microwave oven. It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows.

Mitch Hedberg on Wikipedia

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